Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Emmys

No, you are not in a time warp: the Emmys were a whole week ago.  This is what happens when your editorial staff won't quit their day jobs.  You're probably wondering why I'm still posting this recap, but if nothing else, my mom keeps saying that she's looking forward to it.  So this one's for you, mom!

Just a warning, we are about to talk a lot about boobs right off the top here.  I can assure you this was unintentional, but consider yourselves forewarned.

Christina Hendricks: quite possibly my winner.  Yes, she's wearing a black dress and this is not particularly earth-shattering on its own merits, but it fits her gloriously and that has been a problem for her in the past.  This is Christian Siriano, and I hope she sent him a delightful gift basket or fruit bouquet, because I don't think she's ever looked better on the red carpet.  And let's all take a moment to think about what Christian Siriano (who my mom hilariously refers to as "the one they carried in a bag on Project Runway") and Joan Holloway Harris hanging out for some girl time would look like.  Giggle.

Now for a bunch of ladies who did not handle their assets as admirably as Ms. Hendricks up there.    First up: Claire Danes.  Girl, YOU KNOW BETTER.  I am in no way advocating for padding yourself up or just wearing a turtleneck when you're not exactly busty -- I'm a big fan of the plunging v on a lady with Claire's build.  But this is a weepy, too-low, but at the same time too-small, really unfortunate situation.  The bodice needs to be hiked up, but also longer, doesn't it?  This is bad, dear.  Bad.  You might've been better off in a Carrie Mathison costume, and that's saying something.  (PS HOMELAND TONIGHT YAY.) 

And then you've got January Jones here, who is wearing a spectacularly boob-smashing Givenchy.  How did they do that to her?  The top of this looks like one of the foundation garments Gwyneth Paltrow wore to pretend that she was a man in Shakespeare in Love.

These two dresses are being brought up on charges of crimes against boobs.  Both Cobie Smulders and Zosia Mamet's gowns have these teeny tiny boob mask things that look like they were sized for 10-year-old girls.  At least Cobie's is the same color as the rest of her dress, whereas Zosia's looks a bit reminiscent of the Hamburglar.  (Mmmm, hamburgers.)

Speaking of crimes: Heidi Klum's dress is trying to murder her by strangulation.

Not my cup of tea, but damn if Olivia Pope Kerry Washington isn't pulling this off.  This is Marchesa on steroids (ribbons! mesh! flowers! tulle!), but you can't say she doesn't look lovely in this.  It's gorgeous with her skin color.  Who am I kidding?  This is really just a springboard to talk about Scandal, which I have just started watching and can't stop.  It is so very soapy and shenanigan-heavy, but so, so addicting.  Watch so we can all talk about it.

Julianna Margulies: such is her power that's she's making a Rorshach test bedsheet toga looking freaking amazing.  

Also in the "showing 20-year-old-starlets how it's DONE" file: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Laura Dern, and Allison Janney.  These ladies have this incredible gravitas that makes what they're wearing beside the point, doesn't it?  They make everyone else look like they're playing dress up.

Bad, sad eye makeup that's distracting completely from her dress: Anna Faris.  Her lipstick was sort of a mess too.  Appreciate the idea in theory, but for someone with her coloring to pull off this yellow, the makeup has to be pretty near perfect.  

She looks great, but contrary to what pictures of my 1998 high school Valentine's day dance might show, I can't get behind the see-through midriff panel.  

Elisabeth Moss is making Peggy Olson proud.  I think this is the best she's ever looked on the red carpet.

Linda Cardellini might as well be wearing a sign that says "Yes.  This is how much better-looking I am than my Mad Men character Sylvia Rosen.  I KNOW."  She looks gorgeous.  And so much better than her alter ego.  

Jane Lynch, this is how one does a lady tux.  Some better shoes would have earned her a slow clap, but the tassel necklace and the fit are doing most of the heavy lifting here.  She looks great.  I hope Ellen is taking notes for the Oscars.

I can't wait to read the tell-all account from the high school senior who Carrie Underwood got in a fight with over this dress at Caché.  Wonder what that girl wore to homecoming?

I don't watch Breaking Bad, unlike apparently everyone else on earth, so I have no frame of reference for what Anna Gunn here looks like on her show.  However, she looks like a total knockout on the red carpet.  (I also, upon seeing her was like, "whoa, Anna Gunn has guns," and was immediately embarrassed that I think such stupid jokes even to myself.)  This is completely stunning, and a great way for a fair-skinned blonde to wear this pale pink color.

Connie Britton, let's just agree to never mention this to Tami Taylor, who would be so disappointed in you for skinning some old lady's couch to wear to the Emmys.

Kate Mara looks like she stole this from her sister, no?

She looks great, but at this point, her showing up in this silhouette is a snore.  And when you look like this and you're wearing this dress, "snore" should be the last thing on anyone's mind.  

Tina Fey looks simply tremendous in this cobalt blue number.  The cut of this is really flattering on her. High five, Tina.  

On the other hand, Tina needs to slip the number of her stylist to her friend Amy Poehler here, for this is nothing short of sad-making.  However, she gets a pass for hijacking Ryan Seacrest's red carpet interview of Carrie Underwood with the best question ever asked in the history of interviews: "Can we talk about religion and politics and do some swear words?"

I am a big Jessica Paré fan and this is not her best effort.  The color is pretty but the bodice almost looks like it's making her slouch.  The dress on its own merits is not my favorite, but it's sort of eerily reminiscent of this dress January Jones wore to the Emmys a few years ago.  It's like all the Mrs. Drapers eventually resort to sad blue mullet dresses when they give up.

Speaking of blue déja vu dresses, Zoe Deschanel showed up in the second cousin thrice removed version of Anne Hathaway's disaster Oscar dress.  This looks better than that did, but still not great.  It just doesn't look like her, does it?

Julie Bowen apparently asked for Princess Diana's wedding dress, just with short sleeves, thanks.

Mayim Bialik (yup, Blossom) is now on The Big Bang Theory.  She wears very modest gowns on the red carpet for religious reasons, which, as pretty much anyone who has ever gone shopping with her mother for a formal gown with sleeves can attest, is a difficult task.  I rather like this one and the color is just resplendent.  Her hair looks pretty too. 

Mindy!  You look so pretty, girl!  Another delightful color, especially for fall.  High five for being season-appropriate.  This chain-link detail is perfect for her girly, but I'm still a funny badass personality, too.    

And as your reward for reading this whole post: LUMBERJACK HAMM in a white dinner jacket.  Hopefully we'll all get invited to the Losers Lounge next year, because it sounds awesome.  
(Top photo from The Hollywood Reporter; all other photos from The Cut.)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hope you had a lovely weekend.

Hello friends -- looks like you're getting your weekend links on a Wednesday, because that's how we roll here at Tall and Salty when I was in California over the weekend for one of my best friend's weddings (which was a hell of a time, if I may be so bold to add).  The setting was beautiful, as, of course, was the bride.  And the festivities were so much fun, it's taken me half the week to recover and catch my breath. Hope all of you are doing well and also had so much fun this weekend it's taking you 'til Wednesday to figure out which way is up.  While we all get our bearings, some fun from around the web:

Someone please, please get ten friends to be this with for Halloween.  And send me pics.  Thanks in advance.

Drink milk, have tall babies (thanks for the tip, Kate!)

Photographic evidence that our friend A-Dubs is not made of stone

In case you get lost in the woods.

I think we'd all enjoy having a cocktail with these two, yes?

This place just opened in my neighborhood, and I can confirm that the lemon yogurt if freaking amazing.

"Hello, Pope calling . . . "

Some far-fetched finger-pointing, in my humble opinion.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Fall is coming, right?

Given that it's mid-September, one would assume fall is underway, or perhaps at least on the way.  Though the weather of late has been super steamy -- it was ninety today in Chicago -- the cooler weather always comes eventually (I'm going to remind myself of this post when it's twenty below and I'm tramping through a foot of snow in February).  Two picks for faces and fingers once we finally get some more fall-like conditions:

Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color in Crimson (tremendously scary in tube; gorgeous on actual lips).
Essie nail polish in Twin Sweater Set -- a pretty, deep, not-overly-dramatic red.
I'm sort of over my summer stuff.  You?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Hey Girl. It's okay that it's Monday.

Ever notice how things happen in threes?  My most recent experience with this phenomenon is with Ryan Gosling.  No, really.  And since it's Monday, let's not try to do any heavy lifting around here today. 

First, this bathroom from Bang Bang restaurant in San Diego featured in this month's Lonny is objectively brilliant and hilarious.  "Hey Girl.  Your lipstick looks great in this lighting.  And don't forget to order dessert."

On a completely unrelated note (or so I thought, but it appears The Gosling won't be denied), last week I was looking for suggestions for gray paint colors.  Guess who designer Emily Henderson tapped to assist her with that task
That's right.  Ryan Gosling (btw, this post has a ton of great gray paint suggestions.  And also, you know, other nice stuff to look at).   

And if that's not enough for your Ryan Gosling fix, perhaps I can interest you in this Chrome extension that will (no joke) replace all of the photos on any web site you visit with pictures of your good pal RG.  
abc gosling chrome extension tk 130814 16x9 608 Hey Girl Browser Extension Replaces Website Images with Ryan Gosling
Enjoy.  With my and Ryan's compliments.

PS: my personal favorite Ryan Gosling meme, Law School Ryan Gosling (you're welcome, legal nerds).

(Second image of Bang Bang Restaurant from Eater San Diego; bottom images via ABC News and Mashable.)

Friday, September 6, 2013

It's been a while now, hasn't it?

Dudes.  How are you?  I was on trial at work last week, and if any of you know lawyers (and if you don't, I'll just tell you), you understand how it makes you a crazy person.  (Speaking of: this headline had me audibly snorting.)  How's it going with you?  I emphatically hope that you had a lazy and lovely Labor Day weekend.  I spent mine at the beautiful wedding of one of my oldest pals -- I've known her since before she was even born! -- that was so much fun but which also made me thirty kinds of weepy (all in the good way).  This weekend we're going to a barbecue, and we've got a birthday to celebrate at our house, too (which demands, as always, Funfetti cake).  Have a great weekend wherever you are this weekend, and try to squeeeeeeeeze out a little more summer fun.  Some links for your perusing enjoyment:

This is a little heavier and longer than the usual Tall and Salty fare, but it is riveting: what it's like to be kidnapped in a foreign country (my heart was literally pounding while I read this).  

And back to our usual programming: you probably want to see where Tom Brady showers, right?  Right.

In a similar (but also, you know, different) vein, you probably also want to see Nate Berkus and Jeremiah-from-The-Rachel-Zoe-Project's house, which is, of course, amazing.

"FOMO" is now in its rightful place: the actual dictionary.

And to put them to work for your fall wardrobing: a darling coat and fab shoes.

This is totally what a Space Attorney would wear.  (And when that show is on television for two episodes before it gets cancelled, you know I'm going to watch it.)

I wish we all could have had a cocktail with this lady.

(Image via Note to Self.)
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