Oh, cheerio. We're perfect, just in case you were wondering.

This isn't real, right?

I suppose that I should not be surprised that this woman's baby is adorable and perfect, given that she's jumping and playing volleyball in serious heels and all.  But really?  It's not enough that you're a princess?

Even the Queen is impressed.  She's like the opposite of McKayla Maroney.

This photo of Her Maj gazing adoringly at George is just darling.  Well-played, Kate.  Well-played.

(Top and bottom photos via The Daily Mail; middle photos via PopSugar.)

Your good news for the day.

On a day full of impending doom in the news, here's your happy for the morning: 

THEY'RE BAAAAAAACK.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting the Golden Globes again this year!  And, wait for it . . . the following year.  It's like Christmas came early.

Now if only we could put these two in charge of the debt ceiling and the shutdown, we'd really be in business.  (Second suggestion: Jed Bartlett.)

(Photos via here, here, and here.)

The Emmys

No, you are not in a time warp: the Emmys were a whole week ago.  This is what happens when your editorial staff won't quit their day jobs.  You're probably wondering why I'm still posting this recap, but if nothing else, my mom keeps saying that she's looking forward to it.  So this one's for you, mom!

Just a warning, we are about to talk a lot about boobs right off the top here.  I can assure you this was unintentional, but consider yourselves forewarned.

Christina Hendricks: quite possibly my winner.  Yes, she's wearing a black dress and this is not particularly earth-shattering on its own merits, but it fits her gloriously and that has been a problem for her in the past.  This is Christian Siriano, and I hope she sent him a delightful gift basket or fruit bouquet, because I don't think she's ever looked better on the red carpet.  And let's all take a moment to think about what Christian Siriano (who my mom hilariously refers to as "the one they carried in a bag on Project Runway") and Joan Holloway Harris hanging out for some girl time would look like.  Giggle.

Now for a bunch of ladies who did not handle their assets as admirably as Ms. Hendricks up there.    First up: Claire Danes.  Girl, YOU KNOW BETTER.  I am in no way advocating for padding yourself up or just wearing a turtleneck when you're not exactly busty -- I'm a big fan of the plunging v on a lady with Claire's build.  But this is a weepy, too-low, but at the same time too-small, really unfortunate situation.  The bodice needs to be hiked up, but also longer, doesn't it?  This is bad, dear.  Bad.  You might've been better off in a Carrie Mathison costume, and that's saying something.  (PS HOMELAND TONIGHT YAY.) 

And then you've got January Jones here, who is wearing a spectacularly boob-smashing Givenchy.  How did they do that to her?  The top of this looks like one of the foundation garments Gwyneth Paltrow wore to pretend that she was a man in Shakespeare in Love.

These two dresses are being brought up on charges of crimes against boobs.  Both Cobie Smulders and Zosia Mamet's gowns have these teeny tiny boob mask things that look like they were sized for 10-year-old girls.  At least Cobie's is the same color as the rest of her dress, whereas Zosia's looks a bit reminiscent of the Hamburglar.  (Mmmm, hamburgers.)

Speaking of crimes: Heidi Klum's dress is trying to murder her by strangulation.

Not my cup of tea, but damn if Olivia Pope Kerry Washington isn't pulling this off.  This is Marchesa on steroids (ribbons! mesh! flowers! tulle!), but you can't say she doesn't look lovely in this.  It's gorgeous with her skin color.  Who am I kidding?  This is really just a springboard to talk about Scandal, which I have just started watching and can't stop.  It is so very soapy and shenanigan-heavy, but so, so addicting.  Watch so we can all talk about it.

Julianna Margulies: such is her power that's she's making a Rorshach test bedsheet toga looking freaking amazing.  

Also in the "showing 20-year-old-starlets how it's DONE" file: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Laura Dern, and Allison Janney.  These ladies have this incredible gravitas that makes what they're wearing beside the point, doesn't it?  They make everyone else look like they're playing dress up.

Bad, sad eye makeup that's distracting completely from her dress: Anna Faris.  Her lipstick was sort of a mess too.  Appreciate the idea in theory, but for someone with her coloring to pull off this yellow, the makeup has to be pretty near perfect.  

She looks great, but contrary to what pictures of my 1998 high school Valentine's day dance might show, I can't get behind the see-through midriff panel.  

Elisabeth Moss is making Peggy Olson proud.  I think this is the best she's ever looked on the red carpet.

Linda Cardellini might as well be wearing a sign that says "Yes.  This is how much better-looking I am than my Mad Men character Sylvia Rosen.  I KNOW."  She looks gorgeous.  And so much better than her alter ego.  

Jane Lynch, this is how one does a lady tux.  Some better shoes would have earned her a slow clap, but the tassel necklace and the fit are doing most of the heavy lifting here.  She looks great.  I hope Ellen is taking notes for the Oscars.

I can't wait to read the tell-all account from the high school senior who Carrie Underwood got in a fight with over this dress at Caché.  Wonder what that girl wore to homecoming?

I don't watch Breaking Bad, unlike apparently everyone else on earth, so I have no frame of reference for what Anna Gunn here looks like on her show.  However, she looks like a total knockout on the red carpet.  (I also, upon seeing her was like, "whoa, Anna Gunn has guns," and was immediately embarrassed that I think such stupid jokes even to myself.)  This is completely stunning, and a great way for a fair-skinned blonde to wear this pale pink color.

Connie Britton, let's just agree to never mention this to Tami Taylor, who would be so disappointed in you for skinning some old lady's couch to wear to the Emmys.

Kate Mara looks like she stole this from her sister, no?

She looks great, but at this point, her showing up in this silhouette is a snore.  And when you look like this and you're wearing this dress, "snore" should be the last thing on anyone's mind.  

Tina Fey looks simply tremendous in this cobalt blue number.  The cut of this is really flattering on her. High five, Tina.  

On the other hand, Tina needs to slip the number of her stylist to her friend Amy Poehler here, for this is nothing short of sad-making.  However, she gets a pass for hijacking Ryan Seacrest's red carpet interview of Carrie Underwood with the best question ever asked in the history of interviews: "Can we talk about religion and politics and do some swear words?"

I am a big Jessica Paré fan and this is not her best effort.  The color is pretty but the bodice almost looks like it's making her slouch.  The dress on its own merits is not my favorite, but it's sort of eerily reminiscent of this dress January Jones wore to the Emmys a few years ago.  It's like all the Mrs. Drapers eventually resort to sad blue mullet dresses when they give up.

Speaking of blue déja vu dresses, Zoe Deschanel showed up in the second cousin thrice removed version of Anne Hathaway's disaster Oscar dress.  This looks better than that did, but still not great.  It just doesn't look like her, does it?

Julie Bowen apparently asked for Princess Diana's wedding dress, just with short sleeves, thanks.

Mayim Bialik (yup, Blossom) is now on The Big Bang Theory.  She wears very modest gowns on the red carpet for religious reasons, which, as pretty much anyone who has ever gone shopping with her mother for a formal gown with sleeves can attest, is a difficult task.  I rather like this one and the color is just resplendent.  Her hair looks pretty too. 

Mindy!  You look so pretty, girl!  Another delightful color, especially for fall.  High five for being season-appropriate.  This chain-link detail is perfect for her girly, but I'm still a funny badass personality, too.    

And as your reward for reading this whole post: LUMBERJACK HAMM in a white dinner jacket.  Hopefully we'll all get invited to the Losers Lounge next year, because it sounds awesome.  

(Top photo from The Hollywood Reporter; all other photos from The Cut.)

When it rains, it pours.

So I already got one piece of great news today, and this latest bit of information threatens to collapse the Tall and Salty world with the sheer weight of awesome stuff happening all at once: forty-inch inseam jeans in two styles from Frame Denim, designed by supermodel (and fellow St. Louis native!) Karlie Kloss, who's about six feet tall.

And though Vogue somewhat uncharitably describes these as "excessively long" (meanies), these sound fantastic, with a slightly raised waistband and a redesign of the proportions throughout (like another awesome line of longer-length jeans, TallWater).  The jeans, available the first week of June, will come in two styles -- the flare and skinny, pictured -- and in two washes, light and dark.  Huzzah!

Seriously, Universe . . . thanks.  And while I'm pounding salted margaritas and advance online purchasing multiple pairs of these jeans, consider spreading out the good news next time, okay?

[Updated on May 16 to add: you can check out all four styles here!]

(Images via Vogue by Erik Torstensson.)

Pass the salt shaker!

It's a big day for salt lovers: according to The New York Times, ". . . a prestigious group convened by the government says there is no good reason based on health outcomes for many Americans to drive their sodium consumption down to the very low levels recommended in national dietary guidelines."

Enjoy a little extra flavor (guilt-free!) with your dinner tonight.    

PS: the best salt you'll ever have and salty caramels.  

(Image by me; Salty print by Michelle Vaughan from the sadly departed 20x200.)

The Met Ball

The annual Met Gala was held on Monday night to celebrate the Metropolitan Museum of Art's new Punk exhibit.  The theme was punk, and coupled with the super-high-fashion, risk-taking vibe of the ball, there was some real potential for fabulousness and absolute disastrousness.  Behold . . . what happened:

Madonna showed these baby starlets how punk is DONE.  I mean, she WENT for it, that's for sure.    (Also: apparently she wears this just hanging around the house, which is all kinds of fantastic.)

Sara Jessica Parker's ensemble is nothing short of insane, but it is somehow working for this very, very particular venue and event.  There is literally nowhere else in space and time that a Spartan warrior mohawk headpiece, splatter painted ballgown, and velvet (suede?) tartan over-the-knee boots would be acceptable, but she is really nailing the formal event/nod to punk thing.  (Side note: how on EARTH did she get to the Museum?  Teleportation?  Seated in the back of a moving truck?)  Also: this move by J. Law is amazing.)

I would've happily worn this had my invitation not been lost in the mail (next year, Anna!): Cara Delevingne.

Sweet commitment to the theme, and she looks like she's having a great time doing it: Sienna Miller.  That is a perfectly deployed studded jacket.

Somehow the crazy hair is putting the spotlight on her really quite beautiful face: Miley Cyrus.  This is event-appropriate, though likely not for ANYWHERE else.  (Do you hear me, Miley?  NOWHERE.)

Second verse, same as the first: Coco Rocha.  Taking a chance and, I think, sort of nailing it, but this is a one-time deal, okay Coco?

A few ladies who took less of a chance on the punk front, but subtly played to the theme with a little bit of edginess: 

Carey Mulligan.

Kirsten Dunst.  I'm really liking this, even though the "she's molting!" joke would be very, very easy.

Dakota Fanning.  I usually HATE love-handle-curtains cutouts, but these actually really enhance the dress, as opposed to screaming "Now showing, on the main stage . . . her SIDE!"

Rosie Huntington-Whitely.  I can't believe I am endorsing this.  It's for the VENUE, okay?  I must have Met Ball Fever.

Kerry Washington.  I'm digging these gloves, and her hair had purple streaks.  Well-deployed cray, Kerry.

Christina Ricci.  This Vivienne Westwood is very Vivienne Westwood, but it was well-chosen for this shindig.  The fishnets were a cool punky style choice.

Admirably tried to go punk (I think?) but went off the rails:

Nina Dobrev.  NO SKIRT DRAPES OVER PANTS, PEOPLE.  This has seriously never, ever looked good on anyone.

Allison Williams.  Kudos to her for going outside of her wheelhouse, but she loses points for looking like she appeared at this event by rising from a puddle of ink on the floor.  

And now, say hello to the glove brigade:

Beyonce.  Watch your back, because Katniss Everdeen is surely slinging some arrows your way for this Girl on Fire Victory Tour outfit (gloves, dress, train, boots and all).  Also: train wrangler alert!

Kim Kardashian.  Floral cat burglar.  This is exactly what one would wear to a formal event where one needs to slither through gardens undetected, thieving flowers left and right.  I ALSO find this hilarious because she is clearly doing the "I'm hugging my belly so people will know that this is a BABY BUMP and I am not just sporting a gigantic midsection because I ate too many burgers" pose, but the effect is completely lost because her hand is camouflaged.  Trying to pick out her fingers is seriously impossible and I cannot stop laughing at it. 

Leelee Sobieski.  Weirdly cool and delicate gloves that while not strictly punk, are kind of awesome nonetheless.

Going to be in a lot of hot water at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance for showing up with a leotard-with-cutouts-clad-date that very seriously threatens exposure of her nether regions: Tom Brady (and Gisele).  But, as per usual, their ridiculous good looks really distract from the crazy.

Cool in theory, x-rated in execution: Kristen Stewart.  This looks like a graphic representation of the world's most gigantic set of ladyparts.  Shudder. 

People who looked pretty but completely ignored the theme and look like they might have wandered into the wrong party: 

Gwyneth Paltrow.

Zoe Deschanel.  Don't get me wrong, I love this dress.  For a formal July wedding.  Or an extremely fancy tea party.  The Kentucky Derby.  Really, any high summer event that does not have a "Punk" theme.

Jennifer Lawrence.  This has a "Mannequin" -esque feel to it in that it seems like her Dior ads have sprung to life and are walking and talking.

Getting a whiff of "punk bride whose prim mother forced her to play it straight for the wedding her family arranged to a wealthy heir to pull them out of financial ruin, and she is totally pissed about it because she wants to be with her rocker boyfriend forever": Rooney Mara.  

These four make up a seriously disappointing quartet, given their penchant for bringing the cray and their presence at an event with a crazy theme.  I think they all knew expectations were high, and to a certain extent, all choked.  But what a fantastic singing quartet this would be.  

Niki Minaj.  You put together punk and Niki Minaj, and you get a late 90s tankini top in navy blue?  I object.

Gwen Stefani.  You guys, this is what she wears to the playground.  My expectations were higher than this.

Rita Ora.  I mean, on a regular person, bared midriff-and-side would hardly read as playing it safe, but this looks downright demure on her.  Perhaps the chain detail was a little punkier in person than in photos?

Katy Perry.  Though the crown alone lifts her over the other two, because SHE'S WEARING A CROWN.

Winner of the musical ladies, though I imagine this is what she wears to the grocery store and pharmacy on a Sunday morning: Florence Welch.

Beats Katy Perry's crown seven days a week and twice on Sundays because it is made out of safety pins: fashion editor Giovanna Battaglia.

Even better use of safety pins: Hailee Steinfeld.  A spiky bag and shoes would have made this an absolute winner for me, but the dress itself is awesome.

Stolen from the Dowager Countess' closet and denuded of its lining: Minka Kelly.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Divination teacher: Ashley Olsen.

Speaking of Hogwarts: such is the power of Hermione Granger that she's pulling off this look better than Miranda Kerr, who I swear travels with her own lighting crew. 

Game of Thrones bride: Linda Evangelista.

This is actually pants with a caped peplum top, which makes me think she showed up a few years late for the "Superheroes" themed Met Ball: Jessica Pare.

OMG how many were wounded as a result of giving Cameron Diza a hug? (Also: takes some nerve to try to pull this off in the post-caped-Gwyneth-at-the-Oscars era.  I think G's was better.)

Dick Tracy on Broadway!, starring Elizabeth Banks.  (Also: not punk, unless you count her shoes, which are making her ankles look like they've grown really long, stringy hair.  But that's grunge, no?)

Props for giving a nod to the punk theme and trying out crazy hair: Anne Hathaway.  I love when other people make ill-advised hair color decisions, as I am prone to the same.  It feels fantastic, and I get Anne here just NEEDED it.  I don't love this dress, but A for effort.

Really giving it a go with the punk hair, crazy eyes, and spiky purse, but when your dress has covered buttons on it, I don't think it's going to be quite enough: Emily Blunt.  (Don't worry I still love you BOTH.)

I think they're trying to nod to punk using crazy eye makeup, which has to be seen to be believed:

Lily Collins (in what looks to be a serious attempt to get away from her princess image).

January Jones.  I just . . . wtf?  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL STOP TRYING TO MESS THAT UP.

Ginnifer Goodwin.  Really cool dress . . . too bad her crazy eyes are scaring me too much to look at it.

Elle Fanning.  I CAN'T EVEN.  It's supposed to be punk, not tripping hippie with Pilgrim apron and horned eye makeup.  That little vent aside, take a moment to consider that Elle here is FIFTEEN.  Now count your blessings that you weren't plastered all over the internet going to formal events at that age (God help me), imagine the snippy things her older sister said to her while they were getting ready (because in my mind, Elle and Dakota totally get ready together in the same bathroom and bicker about stealing each other's makeup), and ask yourself HOW DID HER MOTHER LET HER WALK OUT LIKE THIS?

You can check out last year's coverage here.  Who's your winner?

(Top image via Vogue; other images are all from The Cut, except for Cara Delevingne photo from The Guardian).