So I gave up and called in the professionals: I went to my local MAC store (for you Chicago ladies, I went to the one on Armitage, where they couldn't have been nicer) to buy some lashes, and for the princely sum of sixteen dollars, I was able to buy a set of lashes and a professional application. Priceless!
The extremely nice makeup artist who put on my lashes even offered to put on my eye makeup for me, which I loved. (You can also make an appointment for a full makeup application, with a guaranteed start time, for $50. If you walk in, you're at the mercy of their timing, but it's complementary!)
They felt a little weird at first, but I got used to them after an hour or so and I didn't notice them anymore, and I loved the way they looked. I wanted to wear them for my wedding, but the lady who did my makeup said that they would drive me nuts and wouldn't let me have them! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? The MAC folks were all singing the praises of Latisse, the prescription potion that you put on your lashes to make them grow. It made me want to use it, but I'm too afraid that it will irritate my weirdly sensitive eyes. Have any of you tried it?
(Images of the gorgeous Adele and her fantastic fakes via Yahoo!, LV Loves, Prefix, and Vogue)
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