Tall and Salty: The Golden Globes

Did you watch the Golden Globes last night? I was parked on my couch with a hunk of brie, a glass of wine, and my judgypants. The highs, lows, in-betweens, and other fun:

My two favorite female comediennes who were the best awards show host(esse)s I've seen: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. This was so very their night, and they both seemed the best possible versions of themselves, comedically and sartorially. I liked all their ensembles, but Tina's winner was the teal halter dress, and I thought Amy's suit for the red carpet was genius -- a hilarious play on being Tina's date, but also flattering as hell (A+ for accessories on that one). But really: between "Stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and canoodling with George Clooney, their wit simply rocked. Has www.FireSethMacFarlane.com been booted up yet?

Winner of the "If I had this body, I too would wear a minimalist horizontal-stripe sheath to showcase it to its full potential" award: Stacy Keibler.

Looked really great for someone who usually goes out with a perma-sourpuss and seriously, seriously dowdy crazy clothes: an uncharacteristically smiley Zosia Mamet.

Also looked surprisingly great in comparison to many of her usual getups: Lena Dunham. (But why didn't she shuck off her unwalkable shoes? On a related note, I think the seat-planner must have gotten fired today.) I don't love this dress on its own merits, but she looked happy in this and it is miles ahead of some of the things she has worn recently.

And to round out the Girls (Jemima Kirke wasn't there): Allison Williams. She has a lot of raw material to work with, and while I am all for simple and classy, this was sort of meh. Perhaps she didn't want to upstage Dunham on what was clearly her big night? Let's go with that. That was nice of you, Allison.

Could have been sort of cool and different, but veered way too close to the time she went out dressed like a lampshade: Kate Hudson. (Side note: Kate and Stella McCartney are apparently very good friends, and Stella made the aforementioned lampshade ensemble. In the years since, they did an interview together where Stella apologized. This is perhaps the famous-people-equivalent of my friends apologizing for encouraging me to wear snake-printed pants to a dorm party my freshman year of college, and that kind of makes me want to forgive both Kate and Stella for the whole thing.)

With all due respect to Kate, did the black-and-gold-long-sleeve-gown better: Helen Mirren.

Made me concerned that she was getting stung by bees all night: Nicole Kidman. (But weirdly, I kind of liked it, sheer ribcage and all.)

One big step in the right direction away from dresses the color of old pantyhose, but unfortunately one giant leap towards a terribly unflattering bustline: Kristen Wiig.

Honorable mention on the moving away from garments the color of old pantyhose front: Taylor Swift.

Front of her dress writing checks the back can't cash: Julianne Moore. Hard to say that she didn't look fantastic though. The more I look at it though, the more I am convinced that the only issue I have with this is the little tie. (PS: have you seen Game Change? It's fascinating!)

Making concessions for a sort-of-too-small-fit, one of my favorite looks of the night: Jessica Alba. There is nothing in particular that is spectacular about this dress, but this color, on this woman, with that hair and makeup, with that necklace, was just simply stunning.

I CAN'T EVEN: J. Lo.

"Oh honey no," to someone whom no one should ever have to say "oh honey no" to: Halle Berry.

"Oh honey no"-norable mention: Kerry Washington.

Clearly only stood in front of her mirror and forgot to actually walk in this dress prior to leaving the house: Eva Longoria.

Looked stunning but needs to recognize that the only person in America not groaning at her television during her acceptance speech was Rachel Zoe (who was undoubtedly cooing "Oh Annie, you look ah-may-zing and BAnanas" in her huge all-white living room): Anne Hathaway. Also, she should keep this pixie forever. It suits her features so well and goes a decent way in giving her some edge.

Wow, this lady just had a baby: Claire Danes. (Do you watch Homeland? I might be the only person left that doesn't -- it's on my list. On the flip side, My So-Called Life is available on Netflix streaming. I watched the pilot episode last week. Oh my goodness -- it brings you right back. And Jordan Catalano is just as dreamy as you remember.)

This lady also just had a baby, and maybe shouldn't have worn a potentially midriff-baring two-piece outfit not because it looked bad or because new moms have to cover up or anything like that, but because she kept pulling at it while she was talking to Guiliana (who was inspecting her pores like a human version of those 10x magnifying mirrors) and sort of awkwardly said something about her stomach showing and just didn't seem very comfortable despite her face looking so lovely: Sienna Miller. (Run on sentence award: me.) She was also wearing two sparkly earrings on the ear that is not visible in this picture, and she was really cute when she told Giuliana that "it isn't for everyone, but I love it!" It was so charming.

Also just had a baby and looked so great in the same black, sleeved, dress, huge eyelashes, and super-sized hair that has become her awards show uniform that she gets a pass on wearing the same look all the time: Adele. Plus she wins for high-fiving James Bond when she won, and for giving a great, heartfelt, genuine speech (ahem, HATHAWAY).

This absolutely shouldn't work, but damn if she didn't go for broke and make it pay off: Lucy Liu. And YAY POCKETS.

Couple I was most happy to see on the red carpet and then later when half of the couple won a Golden Globe for Best Director: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. It seems they somewhat infrequently hit the red carpet together. I suppose that at this point, awards shows for them are akin to going to the grocery store for the rest of us, and after three kids and several years of marriage together, it's probably nice to run errands alone sometimes. But they both looked so genuinely happy when he won that I was really, really glad that they were there together. Jen looked beautiful and this dress was perfect for her. And is Ben wearing a nah-vy bleu tux-ahdo???

Just downright lovely and ladylike: Naomi Watts. This was one of my favorites.

Also in the downright lovely and ladylike camp: Nicole Richie. (And really, back in the days of The Simple Life, did anyone really think that sentence would ever be written?)

Most in need of a good heavenward tug of her strapless dress: Zoey Deschanel. As someone who actually catches herself clutching her pearls on a not-irregular basis, I loved her necklace.

Only gets a pass on the atrocious cups on the boobs of her dress if she hid snacks in there: Jennifer Lawrence. The size of her waist leads me to believe There are No Snacks Here.

"Out of my way you actress ladies, I am Fraulein Supermodel!": Heidi Klum. She looked fantastic.

Beautiful woman in a beautifully-colored, ill-fitting bolt of cloth with weird hair: Jessica Chastain. This reminds me of a really, really fancy version of the pretend dresses I would fashion out of bedsheets when I would play Oscars (yes, really) when I was little. And a bit reminiscent the way my dad would fix my hair when my mom had to work. The woman in the background of this picture agrees.

Gorgeous from the knees up: Marion Cotillard.

Bringing shoulder pads BACK: Michelle Dockery.

Most likely to have been giving each other "I am totally pulling off this dress better than you are" side-eye all night: Amy Adams and Hayden Panettiere. Advantage: Panettiere.